August 8

It  is one month since Bob died and I am going to review my thoughts and what has happened in that time. Yesterday, I took the yellow DO NOT RESUSCITATE sign off of the refrigerator. The EMT's look for that the first thing upon entering the house . Months before he died, I had asked Bob if he wanted a traditional burial or to be cremated. I wanted to prepay as much as I could because I knew that there would be extraordinary expenses at the end. I had a short time to meet with the funeral people and start the process. As Bob got weaker, and moved to a hospital bed in the living room, I knew that it wouldn't be that much longer until he was gone. I wasn't frightened. I wasn't experiencing any remorse or guilt that I hadn't done everything that could be done . He was still comfortable, I was here, he was accepting. Until the last hours, I would kiss him, and he'd say" more". That made us laugh , so I kissed. more. Then he just went. No hysterics. No drama. He just gave a little cough at 10:56 pm and that was that. I was calm. I had been waiting . I wasn't sad, but rather relieved. It wasn't until the funeral people came and asked me to leave the room while they moved him did I know that his life was now out of my hands. When I came back into the room ,the coffin was draped in an American flag to honor his service in the aIr Force. That was what did it. It was final. The Tidewell hospice nurse had been with me for this whole time .  It was now the next day and that will be the day on the death certificate, July 10, 12:01, although , for me it will be , July 9 at 10:56pm. Then came the family. Twenty members strong. Our family is different from other families. We have no outliners. We are a strong tribe. There are no outs , we all are ins. The outpouring of love and support from our Jewish community was what gave the family that extra comfort. The service and burial at the National cemetery was impressive and perfect.  The memorial  service at our special JCV was something I will always remember  . The family spoke words from the heart and somehow, I knew it was heard how much Bob was respected and loved. What more could a widow want. And with that, the paper work, the filings, the " surprise" , you really don't get that annuity anymore or both checks from Social Security  anymore. Now you have less than you thought you would have, so you reevaluate what you don't need any more. It's scary, but doable. I am strong, I have a positive attitude. I am a believer in " intentions". Surround me with positive energy because I am a positive person. I refuse to let negative thoughts or people take me to a place that I will not go. I am not dwelling in place, I am going forward. There is darkness and then there is light. There is life and then there is death and then ,back to life.And this was the first month .

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22.05 | 08:38

so glad youre here mom!

29.08 | 13:45

Don't quite know how this got to me but it was on the top line of my computer (not in email) But I really enjoyed it. I truly admire you.

31.07 | 07:02

Leona, do you have a date or a booked flight that you come back ?

20.07 | 13:55

Everything sounds so wonderful Leona. Venice will seem boring . I would want to move to Portownsend where the kids are living. All sounds great . Is there?

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